a reflection on "old pine"
Do you ever cry hot, uncontrollable tears?
I remember when I first started listening to “Every Kingdom”. 2011 feels like 3 lifetimes ago, but Ben Howard had struck gold with frenetic playing and timeless lyrics that I had wished I could have written.
I’ve listened to this record so much that I’ve gotten tired of it and come back to it more than probably any other record. It felt like road trips with the windows down and living life on the run. I travelled the Midwest one summer with some friends and it played on repeat. The album starts with “Old Pine” and never relents.
Reminiscent of walking with a heavy experience we had yet to have, it was a prayer to be taken seriously. Do you ever just cry hot, uncontrollable tears because you are begging to be fully known? Do you ever feel that unrelenting ache?
“Oh, hot sand on toes, cold sand in sleeping bags
I've come to know that memories
Were the best things you ever had
The summer shone, beat down on bony backs
So far from home, where the ocean stood
Down dust and pine cone tracks
Oh, we slept like dogs down by the fire side
Awoke to the fog where all around us
The boom of summertime, yeah
We stood
Steady as the stars in the woods
So happy-hearted
And the warmth rang true inside these bones
As the old pine fell we sang
Just to bless the morning”
“We grow, grow, steady as the morning, yeah
We grow, grow, older still”
Slowly, “Every Kingdom” the summer record became a spring record. And then a fall record. It was universal in our lives. It got entrenched in any playlist that I’d make and any playlist Spotify would make for me. To this day, I can’t go more than a few days without hearing one of the tracks off of it. So, it definitely wasn’t abnormal for “Old Pine” to be playing in the background while I put my son down for a nap. Feels like an old friend coming to visit for a few minutes. But today, something shifted.
He's 16 months old so everything is a new adventure and nap times are no different. They can be the easiest thing or it can be a surprise wrestling match. It’s the wildest thing, raising a boy. Do you ever just cry hot, uncontrollable tears?
We read our books and I got him laid down, we were looking at each other. We were fighting each other’s efforts and then we weren’t. We made to a moment of peace. Listening to the music. I don’t know what my eyes look like through tears, but his are the sweetest blue.
It was in that moment that he started pressing his forehead to me so I’d kiss it. I’d say that it felt like a movie, but I find that movies are a dim reflection of reality.
“We grow, grow, steady as the morning, yeah
We grow, grow, older still”
I suddenly realized “Old Pine” wasn’t someone begging to be taken seriously. I hadn’t paid enough attention. It was a prayer for the moment. A liturgy to recite to remember to hold onto the people around you because time is a vicious thief. There’s nothing to be done but to be as present as possible.
“I've come to know that memories
Were the best things you ever had”
I don’t want to wake him. Do you ever silently shake, crying hot tears?
Maybe one day, I’ll get it for longer than a few minutes. But for now, I can sit and watch him sleep and remember that the sweet moments and worth far more than the sleepless nights and wild days. He’s just the absolute best and I could just sit and cry about it.